[JerZ]

Warning: I will be ranting in this post so if you don't want to hear about my shit, please hit the back button and forget about me.

I went out yesterday to Atlantic City, NJ to sarge with a fellow aspiring PUA and the results? I did ZERO approaches! Fucking awesome. I drove 2 hours and 15 minutes only to let my internal dialogue take over and prevent me from fulfilling my desires. My friend did 2 approaches which included a number-close.

The strange thing is that before I go out, I think about how confident I am and how unafraid I am of approaching, but the second before I approach, I freeze and completely pussy out. It's so frustrating! I start to think of what to say, and predicting how she could possibly respond to my opener, but at the same time, I think about how I shouldn't even care about the outcome and just fucking do it. By the time I'm done thinking, the opportunity is gone.

A month ago, I barely had any problems approaching. Sure, I had the fear, but I still went for it regardless. But as more time passed by, I started letting the fear take over slowly and slowly, like an evil spirit has possessed me, preventing me from reaching my goals, and I have no way to get rid of it. I feel trapped. I know I'll be fine making conversation and getting the number close, but I think it's fucked up that my biggest obstacle is walking up and uttering the first word!

Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm taking the Drills next week, that I've rationalized to myself that I shouldn't care because everything will be taken care of once I do it. But still, I'd rather not feel inadequate just because I haven't done it yet. I also have this fear that the Drills won't make me successful with women, that I'd have spent all this money for nothing.

But I can't let myself down anymore. I've spent the last 5 years fucking myself over and this is my chance for redemption. My birthday is on the second day of drills and I'll be damned if I fuck myself over once again, so I'm expected to bring out the best in me. I'm just praying for an end to all the pain I've been enduring. I'm just sick of all the bullshit.

I just want to make passionate love to a woman I'm attracted to. I want to make her feel special, as if I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. I want to make her feel intense feelings of pleasure. I want to give her 25 orgasms in one hour. I want to kiss her, lick her, and fuck the living shit out of her until daylight comes. After that, I'd like to play my theme song and bask in my glory. Most importantly, I just want to feel alive once again.