got the date, really intensely connected, but shes being flaky

[mycer]

ok i would really appreciate some advice here. first i'll set the scene. I'm 24, very social person (not bad looking too), also i have a good job, a nice place full of nice stuff. I meet a lot of girls all the time, at least 10 of my close friends are beautiful girls who i dont sleep with, however they do introduce me to their friends because im a nice, intelligent and interesting guy.

so i met a girl who is friends with 3 of my close female friends who have nothing but good things to say about me (im not a player, im very honest with all girls). she said before we went on the date that shes not looking for a boyfriend. i think; perfect, i dont really want a girlfriend, sweet. shes super hot so hopefully we can just be bang buddies.

so she shows up, we start talking, and we really hit it off. like really ive never connected to ANYONE like this so fast. and i felt that she felt it too. i have an interest in certain obscure writers and artists, and she knew exactly what i was talking about and we were both so absorbed in the conversation. i tell her about this art book and she gets excited to see it so we go back to my place so i can show it to her.

we met up at the bar at 8pm. stayed till about 10pm, went back to my place and talked till past 4 am. I was escalating a bit but i could tell she wasnt into it, like she didnt want anything to happen that night. so i just played it cool. we talked about so much and really got to know eachother and i fell for her like I've NEVER fallen for anyone before. I was not expecting this. I know its better to escalate sooner but i didnt want to make her feel too uncomfortable around me so i figured i'd wait till the second date.

now because she said she doesnt want a boyfriend, im playing it cool, didnt call her the next day but sent her a text 2 days after the original date saying 'wanna grab some drinks and shoot some pool tonight?'

no reply. I figure i'll wait another 2 days and if theres still no reply i have a few funny things i can text her with. basically i think i want this girl as a girlfriend... no rush tho im patient.

also i should mention that she didnt test me at all (?). she told me she has made some mistakes in the past with men (probably cheating). she is probably seeing another guy right now, but i doubt they connected the way me and her did. her friends say shes not a player and shes really a good person and shes broken some hearts in the past and feels bad about that so shes being cautious (actually she told me this). our mutual friends havnt talked to her in a bit but theyre doing some investigating for me and they really want the two of us to hook up, i'll post what they find out about her when i hear word.


any advice (or questions) is greatly appreciated.

[rarebreed]

Originally Posted by mycer

so i met a girl who is friends with 3 of my close female friends who have nothing but good things to say about me (im not a player, im very honest with all girls). she said before we went on the date that shes not looking for a boyfriend. i think; perfect, i dont really want a girlfriend, sweet. shes super hot so hopefully we can just be bang buddies.

Seems like the both of you are on the same page.

so she shows up, we start talking, and we really hit it off. like really ive never connected to ANYONE like this so fast. and i felt that she felt it too. i have an interest in certain obscure writers and artists, and she knew exactly what i was talking about and we were both so absorbed in the conversation. i tell her about this art book and she gets excited to see it so we go back to my place so i can show it to her.

Nothing wrong with having commonalities, but do you really think she wanted to have an emotional connection or a physical one? What was preventing you from escalating when you first met her up until you took her to your place? Why didn't you escalate when she was back in your place?

we met up at the bar at 8pm. stayed till about 10pm, went back to my place and talked till past 4 am. I was escalating a bit but i could tell she wasnt into it, like she didnt want anything to happen that night. so i just played it cool. we talked about so much and really got to know eachother and i fell for her like I've NEVER fallen for anyone before. I was not expecting this. I know its better to escalate sooner but i didnt want to make her feel too uncomfortable around me so i figured i'd wait till the second date.

What are you really looking for in this woman? Didn't you say you want to be bang buddies? Why do you think she wasn't into your escalations? How can you tell she wasn't "into it"?

no reply. I figure i'll wait another 2 days and if theres still no reply i have a few funny things i can text her with. basically i think i want this girl as a girlfriend... no rush tho im patient.

I know exactly what you're going through. I've got story after story after story. Why the sudden shift from "bang buddies" to "girlfriend"?

also i should mention that she didnt test me at all (?). she told me she has made some mistakes in the past with men (probably cheating). she is probably seeing another guy right now, but i doubt they connected the way me and her did. her friends say shes not a player and shes really a good person and shes broken some hearts in the past and feels bad about that so shes being cautious (actually she told me this). our mutual friends havnt talked to her in a bit but theyre doing some investigating for me and they really want the two of us to hook up, i'll post what they find out about her when i hear word.

So she has probably cheated with guys, she's probably seeing some other player and she's broken some hearts. What makes you think she's not a player? Why don't you meet other girls? Is she really that special? Do you not have other options? Are you trying to tell me that there's no one like her?

any advice (or questions) is greatly appreciated.

Sorry I couldn't help.

[mycer]

you are right... thanks for your reply. i usually dont have much of a problem escalating because im more relaxed because i dont feel that there is so much riding on it. I think i was hesitant to escalate because i actually connected with her like i've never connected with anyone. i should have escalated more.

and yes she really is that special. im pretty sure im going to know her for most of my life, everyone i've ever connected with like that i'm still close with. im a really picky guy and out of the literally hundreds of beautiful girls that ive met, she is the only one that i could see a future with. i've had a lot of girlfriends but never met a girl that i thought i could be with long term, never.

i know i said i went into it looking for a bang buddy but we couldnt help but really connect.

i know she said she didnt want a boyfriend, but then i thought that also she didnt realize how intense our connection was going to be, i got all the physical signals that she wanted to be in a relationship with me, but not the verbal ones, so i guess i got into courting mode, basically afraid to mess things up which is rediculous because i'm sure a beautiful girl like her would forgive me if i 'moved too fast for her'.

so she gave me all the right signals that she like me, but shes being flaky. usually i dont ask for advice because i try the 'live and learn' type thing but this is no time to be experimental, this one matters and i gotta play it right. im sure i'll see her again soon, any advice or tips on what approach to take (aside from playing it cool and escalating, because thats a given) would be greatly appreciated.

also i have all of dicarlo's e-books, they definately have given me a lot of insight into this, but sometimes i wonder what aspects i should focus on in this particular case.

also i know shes not a player because her girlfriend told me (one of my closest friends who wouldnt lie). sure shes made mistakes in the past, she a beautiful, intelligent, artistic 22 year old girl and ever guy in her art school loves her. but shes broken some hearts and really feels bad about that (she told me this herself), maybe shes afraid of breaking mine.

[Zudnic]

Almost all hot girls say they do not want a boyfriend. Usually to explain why they are single! You made a small mistake, your being nice and respectful of her alleged wishes. You became her nice male friend just like the girls who you met this girl from! Pull back a bit before you do something real wussy and get stuck in friends purgatory.

I'm lucky in I don't really care about getting into a relationship. But dated this girl that I do like recently. The second I really started liking her. I put her on the back burner and put her into the friends category first! Did a don't think thing would work out between us and would rather have you as a friend. She sent Me an email a few days latter. Saying friends is good because she is not looking for a boyfriend from anyone! But the last line she wrote: "if we are friends hanging out "casual" dating things could just work out." Take back control of this relationship potential!

[mycer]

ok thanks zudnic. so are you suggesting i tell her i think we'd be best off as just being friends? i could see how that could work, go out as friends and then escalate anyways. i'll wait another 2 days or so until i send her another text. i have something funny to say then i'll say something like 'ive been thinking and we'd be good as friends.'

[rarebreed]

Originally Posted by diablo

-don't label a relationship a "serious monogamous relationship". it's okay to get close to a girl, REALLY close.. just like being in a monogamous relationship. but the small detail here is that there is no label.... the catch is, 95% of the time girls will ask something like, "what are we?" or "where do we stand?" ...and my response is always the same, "ya know.. i dont like to place a beginning (being together) and an ending (breaking up) to a beautiful thing." Sometimes the girls will just keep grilling you about it, to which i'd say, "listen you're trying to label this thing we have! we like each other and that's the bottom line. don't let you're silly mind try to make sense of all this!" ..this slots a girl into the *magical* grey area between relationship and friendship.

so this mindset will keep a girl in the grey area for as long as you would like to keep talking to her

Read that again and think about it.

I think being in a relationship is great. I love the benefits of being in an exclusive relationship, but I always remind myself that these things happen over time.

Girls are really good at sensing when a guy is trying to push for a relationship. They are also really good at sensing when a guy doesn't want a relationship and just wants something casual. It's funny because when the guy has sex with a woman, but doesn't seek a relationship she begins to emotionally chase after him. Vice versa, too.

The main thing is not to push the agenda because when a guy goes in to an interaction with a woman "wanting" to have sex or "wanting" a relationship their intentions become very clear to her and he loses all his power. There's something that David DeAngelo talks about in his advanced dating series. He calls it the wanting it tax. To paraphrase his words, whenever someone wants something and they end up putting all their eggs in one basket...there's always a price to pay and it's usually not a good thing. The price is usually the outcome of behaving and acting needy.

I would take Zudnic's advice.

[MrRabbit]

I have learned alot about this particular type of interaction so maybe I can help here.
Girls nearly always will bring up something that SEEMS as if it is some sort of objection, like "i think we will be good friends" (banged a girl last week who told me this on first time we met), "I have a boyfriend", "I don't want a boyfriend", etc etc etc.....
Best thing to do is just ignore the shit out of it and "stack forward" as some would say, or just start a new topic in simple terms. Act like it didn't affect you, and continue on. At first, you probably will have to act like it didn't affect you. After you get laid after hearing her say these type of things, you will absolutely not be affected. Just ignore the shit out of these types of things, and proceed with your game, what ever that may be.
Now, there are times when she has objections that are deeply rooted, and have consequences that you must stop, and address the issue in a way that makes her feel more comfortable and secure. For instance...
"i can't do this with you, you are sleeping with my friend".. Tell her a story about how someone had sex with your friend who is a girl and how he went out and told everybody and how you think he is a jerk, and he should keep his mouth shut when having sex with girls...(credit Vin) or tell her how your mom was a single mother and you hated how guys would brag about it.
Another one is if she has kids. They will often say "My kids come first, and I need to be a good mother" or something to that affect. Start talking about how your mother was a single mom, or how much your parents didn't pay enough attention to you and you understand how it is important to raise the family right.
She will feel much more comfortable with you at this point, continue to escalate.
But as far as the "friends" and "boyfriends" shit goes, ignore the hell out of it, and run your game, and make her feel good. Hope this helps.

[mycer]

lots of great advice here thanks guys. i get the mindset. being indifferent, not needy, giver her space, but keep escalating. should i pull the 'lets be friends' or 'you'll make a good friend' or is that just not necessary at this point. i did make some good sexual jokes, like she was talking about one of her biggest regrets and i said 'its not an STD is it?', then 'well as long as its not an STD' in a playful manner. she knows im interested in sex. so should i pull the 'friend' thing just to throw her off and send mixed signals?

[mycer]

update. 2 days after i sent her the text she says 'sorry i like to ignore my phone for days on end. maybe some other time.' I then told her about a funny thing that happened and didnt invite her out again. I'll wait till after the weekend for that.

I know this game, I can play it too. we're battling for the upper hand of indifference. thanks guys great advice i think i'll be good from here.

[Zudnic]

Originally Posted by mycer

update. 2 days after i sent her the text she says 'sorry i like to ignore my phone for days on end. maybe some other time.' I then told her about a funny thing that happened and didnt invite her out again. I'll wait till after the weekend for that.

I know this game, I can play it too. we're battling for the upper hand of indifference. thanks guys great advice i think i'll be good from here.

Better written than I could:

Dating Advice: 'Lets just be friends'

[mycer]

thanks for the 'lets just be friends' advice. really i wasnt gonna pull that out but you really made me think about it, and this girl is used to every guy falling in love with her and then her breaking his heart. 'lets just be friends' is exactly the strategy i need to take. it will prove that im not just gonna fall for her and get my heart broken. thanks again.