Question on putting a friend straight an annoying habit.

[Easievibe]

My housemate who I otherwise get along well with has a couple of annoying habits which piss me off.

I dont like ANYONE saying things to put me down not even in jest ESCPECIALLY not a friend. Its pretty weird cos this guy is really passive and is into Buddhism and all that stuff so its really uncharacteristic but every so often as a greeting he will say 'Whats up bitch?' to me. Each time Im like wtf? He has done this a few times now and once even in public. This is really irrititating especially in a public place people will be thinking 'what? this guy doesnt mind being called a bitch by this dude, I guess I can too!'. Its not the 'oh what will people think of me!' but rather I dont like it already and other people hearing such a thing only aggravates my distain for such action. It would be fine if I thought it was funny and we did it to each other but I dont like any manner of this derogatory shit.

It is not a question of his size to mine. He is a shrimp at 55kg to my 70-80kg, its just he seems to think this is acceptable behaviour to call someone and I do not but have not had an efective manner of addressing it properly. This is clearly because I am a 'pushover' which pisses me off to the core I hate being viewed like that.

The other day when he did it again in the kitchen I asked why he said it and I said 'well dont I dont like it' but I said it with my head in the fridge so I dont think it was with proper commitment. I doubt the message got across cos he said in reply 'tough'.

In the past, because I was so bad at dealing with these situations I have thrown the baby out with the bathwater by ex communicating people before giving them a chance to redeem themselves even if the problem might have been corrected because I simply did not know how to deal with such occurences and so got rid altogether. As Im seeing as I deal with more and more people, its important to be able to teach people how to treat me, ideally form the start by setting a precedent early so this is an important skill I need to learn if I am to continue to be a socialite.

Like I say I really get on with him well otherwise but this is an annoying gripe which has to be cautaurised quickly. It is not just this situation, many other situations very similar to this have happened in the past with other people so I have to learn how to deal with things like this in an assertive manner as they have been a thorn in my otherwise good interactions for a LONG time.

[carpe_diem]

hey man how is it going?

Many things are going on here, there is many layers to it.

The way I'm going to have you deal with it is going to spin your head a little, so bear with me.

The first thing we need to do is to make you unteasable. People are saying this shit, and calling you 'bitch', and picking on you, and teasing you because it is fun. It is fun because it bothers you, and you are reacting.

The worst thing you can do is confront him, or react to it at all. The last thing you want to do is make an issue out of this.

I'm essentially unteasable, it is no fun at all to tease me. I'm completely unreactive, I'd sooner laugh with someone than get offended or bothered at all. The more it bothers you, the more people are going to tease you. So take the opposite approach to what you are currently doing and "enjoy" the teasing and name calling.

The core reason that people are doing this is two main reasons. And if you have read a bit about pickup you'll know that being name called or picked on or teased is death to your dominance, and picking up women. The first reason is how you think about other people (you must not be positive enough)and two you are doing things to give away your status.

I don't want to complicate this but the CRITICAL thing you need to do is react to this and any other similar behavior with kindness. That means the more offensive people are to you, the kinder you need to be. If you meet someone and he calls you "bitch" you need to say "Hi buddy, how are you? You are looking great today, I love that shirt, hey have you been working out, you look pretty fit".

You need to really see the positive in other people, and be more positive and friendly, and look for the good in people. You need to take charge and turn the process around. Your flatmate may be actually calling you "bitch" because he likes you. I call my friends all kinds of names like that as a sign of affection. It doesnt mean I am putting them down at all, this is how guys talk to each other.

So quit being so sensitive!

Matt
DiClassified Trainer

[Lester]

interesting topic, i'm not sure where I want to fall now. as Matt is saying react or dont react and be kind... but doesn't that unpunish their bad behavior?

if someone was called a bitch where i grew up and didn't do anything about it, everyone would loose respect for him.

so what we would do is check that person and see what's up with him... if he got a problem we could sweat it out and fight, if not, we'll drop it.

i'll get more into this later im at work and am needed.

[Mr. Incredible]

I think that what Matt is saying is that ignoring it and coming back positively has the effect of punishing the behaviour by not rewarding it.

Easievibe's housemate (Bitch-Dude) is testing Easievibe's boundaries. When Easievibe reacts, he shows that he has weaker boundaries (less self-control), which means less internal dominance, than the Bitch-Dude. Bitch-Dude then says to himself (unconsciously) "Ah ha! I have more status than Easievibe," and feels good.

If Easievibe just lets it bounce off him like a tennis ball off a tank (control over his own mental state), and instead displays warmth (high dominance character) then Bitch-Dude feels stupid and doesn't do it as much. Eventually, Bitch-Dude will stop. In the short term, making Bitch-Dude feel stupid may result in him getting more aggressive, just keep it up and you'll win in the end.

[Obscurety]

Id offer a different spin.

Punish him.

>>If Easievibe just lets it bounce off him like a tennis ball off a tank (control over his own mental state), and instead displays warmth (high dominance character) then Bitch-Dude feels stupid and doesn't do it as much. Eventually, Bitch-Dude will stop. In the short term, making Bitch-Dude feel stupid may result in him getting more aggressive, just keep it up and you'll win in the end.

By doing that you are showing it is acceptable behavior.

If you are taking cookies for a cookie jar and it rewards you with warmth, would you stop?

Instead, "reward" him with cold.

I assume that you are a naturally warm guy. Good to be around and like able.

I suggest that next time he calls you bitch, calming and warmly tell him that you dont like that, and if he would please, dont do it again.

If he does again, this is where your behaviour changes.

Normally your ego would spike and you'd get all irritated.

Instead, go completely cold. Deadpan. Neutral. Like a complete 180 from your normal warm self to completly cold. Not angry. Just a total devoid lack of emotions.

Your housemate will pick this up and say, "whats wrong?"

Calmly say that "Dont worry, I'm not angry..."

If he presses you just say "I dont like ANYONE saying things to put me down not even in jest ESCPECIALLY not a friend."

Whenever he calls you bitch again, just go cold.

An effective but quite cold method

----------------------------
The theory behind this is that normally you are a source of good emotions. Now because he fucked up, you cut him off from that source. His fault entirely. But when he starts behaving, you go back to your normal warm character!

This works on girls too!

[Lester]

ok back... basically if someone was called a bitch where i'm at right now and did nothing, he would be treated like a bitch from everyone who knows about it. why because bitch is border line where i grow up... I don't know what its like in rich suburb neighborhoods but if someone is calling you a bitch where i grow up you're not being teased, you're being fucked around with.

me, my homies can call me motherfucker, dick, asshole, bastard but if they call me a bitch then their crossing a line. i'm not going to get upset and unstable but i will tell them that shit doesnt fly. Change the word, if he said "whats up pheodipile." but was fucking around would you be kinder... but than you would say "why would he call you a pheodipile. that's stupid." well same thing for "bitch" it's stupid to call someone a bitch to tease him, cause you don't know that guy, he can fuck you up bad.

do what your insticts feels and that word bitch does not go well in some places.

maybe "quit acting like a bitch." is sometimes allright cause you're trying to help the person out.

but Matt has a good point about being unteasable.. just that "bitch" from what I know is not a word you use to tease someone.

what's your opinion on that Matt, i want to know

[carpe_diem]

well i coach lots of guys that get treated like "bitches" and its because they are not dominant enough, or are a push-over or are not masculine.

these guys tend to get pissed at that, and get pissed at the people who do it. BUT it has nothing to do with the people who do it to you, you cause people to treat you a certain way. How people treat you is 100% caused by you.

How people treat you is a sympton of an underlying cause, and youve got to get to the root of the problem.

First of all you need to be masculine, and by that I mean the basics of being a man. Get fit and healthy (do something physical, go the gym, play sport, do martial arts, run, do something that physically pushes yourself and tests you, and pushes your limits), dont be prone to making excuses (like get in the game of life, and when every one else is fighting to win you dont want to be on the sideline with a wimpy excuse), and be happy on your own (people who are needy, are not comfortable on their own, not independent tend to get picked on because they are not happy in their own space).

I couldnt imagine someone calling me "bitch".

If someone did I'd just smile.

Matt

[Lester]

Originally Posted by carpe_diem

well i coach lots of guys that get treated like "bitches" and its because they are not dominant enough, or are a push-over or are not masculine.

these guys tend to get pissed at that, and get pissed at the people who do it. BUT it has nothing to do with the people who do it to you, you cause people to treat you a certain way. How people treat you is 100% caused by you.

How people treat you is a sympton of an underlying cause, and youve got to get to the root of the problem.

First of all you need to be masculine, and by that I mean the basics of being a man. Get fit and healthy (do something physical, go the gym, play sport, do martial arts, run, do something that physically pushes yourself and tests you, and pushes your limits), dont be prone to making excuses (like get in the game of life, and when every one else is fighting to win you dont want to be on the sideline with a wimpy excuse), and be happy on your own (people who are needy, are not comfortable on their own, not independent tend to get picked on because they are not happy in their own space).

I couldnt imagine someone calling me "bitch".

If someone did I'd just smile.

Matt

well im going to go with what you're saying, cause I can SENSE that you know what you're talking about... thanks for the great insight Matt.

oh yeah when If a million people called you a bitch, what you fight them all, not me.

[Zudnic]

I'm with Lester. Totally different scenario but same thing. I work for my families business. We have warehouse type work. Young blue collar types see me as the spoiled bosses son stereotype at first. I do mostly outside sales and marketing type things. Last 3 day weekend. We had a delivery pick up scheduled for the holiday. All our employees had to do was put the order together and I would come in the Monday morning for loading. They screwed off that Friday and did not do it. Took me extra time to build the order and the truck driver was pissed for waiting. I fired the 3 guys responsible the next day! The friend who got them the job took it personally!

Guy: whats your fucking problem with me and my friends?

Me: don't walk up and stand toe to toe with me with that attitude (calm assertive and eyes on his chest!)

Guy: a had to do a little work you spoiled brat (baby cry mocking)

Me: I'll give you first punch--it better kill me cause then its my turn

guy: i'm not scared of you (facial expression of anger but holding back)

Me: if you knew me better you would be! Back the fuck up!

Guy still acting like he would hit me but your not worth it. A year of kick boxing in South Seattle tends to make a spoiled rich kid street smart! If he called me a bitch instead of brat. He would not have had the free punch opportunity. If I said back the fuck up bitch and he didn't punch, would have fired his bitch a$$! If it was me. Id calm and assertive tell them to stop. If they didn't we'd see who's the bitch! One of my favorite movie scenes is titled bitch slap for a reason:

YouTube - Tombstone Bitch Slap

[Easievibe]

Ye nice movie clip.

I think part of being a social artist is being able to assert your frame without the actual slapping.

I think amogging is based on this. You show through your frame that you can verbally bitch slap a guy so you dont have to do it physically.

[Zudnic]

Originally Posted by Easievibe

Ye nice movie clip.

I think part of being a social artist is being able to assert your frame without the actual slapping.

I think amogging is based on this. You show through your frame that you can verbally bitch slap a guy so you dont have to do it physically.

Exactly. Cops are trained in techniques to maintain dominance over people. Hence their attitude if you don't give them respect. They expect it from a mere uniform. When their verbal dominance does not work they go to tazer gun or some other firmer tactic. I do not like Cops for their attitude!